Saturday, November 9, 2013

Me, Myself, and I

Things have not been right around here for a while. I felt it, and deep down knew something was wrong, but I tried to push it back and hope perhaps it was just my over thinking, hoping it was wrong.

Yesterday our winter officially started. I woke up to the ground covered in white and it looks like it's here to stay. A long winter is ahead...and that's not the only thing making things ahead look bleak. I feel sick just thinking about what is happening and what is likely to happen. I don't want to let go, but it feels like the last three years of my life were a lie, a big waste. I threw away so much in the last three years and I'll never get that back. So many dreams wasted, so much time, so much everything.

I won't keep things bottled up again, no lying for someone else’s sake, no being manipulated, and certainly no believing the excuses. There's so much to prepare for, it feels like a whirlwind of feelings. My stomach feels sick just thinking about everything. This sort of stress is not a friend.

There may be a problem with my eyes...it's something I've been stressing about for over a month now, which actually can make it worse. My life is very visual and to think about life possibly without sight is downright scary to me. While I know there are many treatments and it's early, it's still affecting me. To add to everything lately Hades had started getting sick, making me feel just about the worst that I could. After taking him to the vet it was, thankfully, resolved and he is doing fine now. He is back to his old sweet self and that's the one thing I have to feel better about through all of this.

All that I can do now is focus on myself. Focus on getting on track. Focus on my goals. Focus on my shop. I have goals and dreams, they shouldn't have to take a back seat to someone else’s problems. Problems that aren't mine, or apart of me. There is only so much a person can handle and this one is nearing her end.

Things desperately need to change, and that isn't going to happen until I push myself forward...

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