Sunday, July 3, 2011

Letters & Lies

–verb (used without object), -nisced, -nisc·ing.
to recall past experiences, events, etc.; indulge in reminiscence.

I guess I have been doing a lot of it lately, but how can I not? Is that not what everyone does when things in their life are going on, making them feel utterly miserable, recall the times that once made them happy? Recall those times and torture yourself in wondering how things could have changed, where you went wrong, what you could have done different...but knowing nothing now can change it.

Lately I have been reading through old letters. Letters that feel like they are from a million years ago, from someone else...I can't believe how much has changed. I thought you would be that person forever, I thought you wanted to be better than this...Someone who cared, tried to be understanding, tried to be loving, considered others feelings, someone who...tried. I give up, just like you did a long time ago.

I feel like being selfish, as selfish as those around me. I'm going to save my money again, something I haven't done in what feels like forever. I want a house, and I will get it. Right now, I think I will buy a new pair of shoes...since my flats and boots have taken a turn for the worse recently...

Some day I will look back at this post and probably feel bad about it. Not right now though, not right now. Self indulgence here I come.

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