Just before June I had a brilliant idea to try making my own granola bar sort of treats. I didn't use a recipe and just sort of took what I knew from recipes that I had done previously and used what I had laying around the kitchen. They were great. Just great.
The treats were made simply from oatmeal and rice crisp cereal, and of course a sticky sort of coating. For the coating I actually halved (and slightly altered) my carmel corn recipe using simply brown sugar, butter, and corn syrup boiled up and mixed with just under two cups each of the cereal and oatmeal. It felt like a great, albeit simple accomplishment...it felt good. That may have been the last time I felt that good since.
Since making the granola treats things seem to have just been getting worse. I have a hard time thinking of good things and it feels as though nothing matters anymore, that I don't matter, that life itself is just nonsense. Life feels how it felt when I was an angsty high school kid, and all the awful thoughts I thought back them have come rushing back.
Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps me where I am, putting up with all the nonsense and negative feelings is my puppy, Hades. It feels like he truly is my only friend in the world. No, he can't talk or give me a hug and say it's going to be okay...but when I feel bad he's there. It's comforting just to know he's there. He won't yell at me for saying how I feel, or call me down, make me feel worse, guilt me, or degrade me. He lays next to me so I can scratch his ears, just how he likes...just what I need.
Though this all may sound "dramatic" to some...I don't really care, it's just how I feel, and no one can tell me I'm wrong for feeling. Feeling is part of life, and this is how it is in my life right now. Though...I don't actually believe anyone reads this, so I suppose it's okay. This is for me, not for you.
On a slightly optimistic side, I've still been dreaming of old houses. Another little bit that keeps some hope in me. Our family home is in town and sits on two and a half acres of property, which got me thinking. All this time I'm looking at houses and never seeming to find the right one, or a lot of ones I love but have basement or foundation problems. Why don't I just look into moving a home onto the property? I wish I had thought of it before. I wouldn't really have to move, but I'd have my own place, a house, my dream. Now, the thing is in order to find out any sort of quotes and prices, I have to find a house to move and I have absolutely no idea where to start.
Anyways, more than likely these thoughts will all be a waste and it will end up costing more than I have saved up, but...it's still nice to have that one dream left.